And So it Starts Again

(i found this website that has all my old artwork on it, so yeah, i call this piece... LEAF :P )Band practice with a new band today. im pretty stoked but pretty skeptical and pessimistic (for good reason) Its so hard for me to find anyone who shares the same taste in music with me. I can do what i did in Axe The Executioner and just write most of it and be in charge of the like sound in general but it didnt work bc the other guys just didnt have the convictions for deathmetal and grind that i have. Maybe this time will be different but who really knows. Atleast i get to make music again :D Main thing though, if the band DOESNT listen to my opinion and just tries to do their own thing it wont work and ill quit. I know its about everyone bringing their own taste into the music but not if that persons passion is in nu-metal or old rock or what the fuck ever. Nope, no sir. But i think this might work which will be great. It might be tough keeping the guys from either writing something corny as shit or jsut straight breakdowns. I mean, dont get me wrong, i love breakdowns and i move at every fucking show i go to but there should be a limit. Its like saying fuck in between every word. It kind of loses its meaning you know? fuck

Another Day

Nothing much today. Not much since yesterday. I shaved my face *shrug* and i went to the grocery store yesterday. My love of despised icon has been renewed though haha. Sorry ive got nothing for this entry and im really calling it in by only talking about how i have NOTHING to talk about :) i need to set up another apointment with the doc, i told renata i didnt use any of those pills but ah, i used two that day haha. So im out :( my computer at home is all kinds of fucked up, and dad keeps yelling at me saying stuff like i sabotaged his computer but in reality, i know what keeps putting viruses on it, and lets jsut say its not me :P I am gonna start eating healthier again, i usually stick to a healthy diet for like a month and lose about 15 to 20 pounds but then i just say fuck it and just let myself go. Its really a problem of just giving a shit. But whatever, thats atleast another month of healthierness (sp) coming my way. High-five

Kicked Out AGAIN

HA! Ok so last semester i got a ton of shit from my parents for skipping so much school and whatever. They just kept saying shit like "your gonna fail all your classes, your not gonna graduate, you have to move out!" yeah, and saying that I'm a terrible person and worthless and gonna end up on the streets and alllll that bullshit. I dealt with it right, sifted through it. BTW ive never failed a class in my life and for almost all my high school career i was in honors. Ok, anyways i got my report card, chyeah i passed all my fucking classes. In fact, i could have graduate early if it wasn't for mom wanting me to be at graduation. So they only gave me 3 classes last semester so i couldn't graduate yet. Now I'm stuck here at school coming everyday for like 4 months just for ONE credit. So i figured my dad would fucking ease up since, you know, i fucking proved them all wrong by passing all my shit last semester but no. I woke up late today and was just like "no big deal" and he had the fucking AUDACITY to say "you need to go live somewhere else" I asked why "because you don't care about school and your not gonna graduate" I swear to god, I'm going by my cousins house I'm almost certain they'll let me stay with them. This happens all the time but the fact that i proved them wrong and hes STILL doing this fucking bullshit its gonna go down differently now. I'm not gonna come back after school to talk to dad and beg him to let me stay, no fuck that. So hopefully after today ill be living in Granite falls but ill still make the little 30 minute drive to Hibriten every day i don't care. I'm just tired of my parents that act like I'm so fucking bad at life and that I'm worthless. I cant think of anyone else who's parents are so quick to kick them out. Other then that stuff I'm doing pretty good though :D Renata, if i dont contact you today then ill just see you tomorrow at 3:45 :)

All My Heroes Have Beards

The man beside these words is Samuel Beam. He IS Iron and Wine. Usually folk or indie bands seem to shallow and stupid for me. I think this man is one of the few people that still has convictions for good song writing. I can listen to iron and wine for hours, it always makes me want to just drive forever. To anywhere. Im in second period right now. I just had to read like fucking 16 chapters in the FUCKING BIBLE for Old Testament. I dont mind it i guess i mean i signed up for the class and shit but wtf we have to read 4 chapters every single day, including weekends and sunday which is weird, and then write a damn paragraph for every chapter. But i just finished that and i actually just finished writing an essay about Samuel Beam haha. Probably what inspired me to make this particular entry. Yeah i woke up at like 8:15 today, took a shower, ate breakfast at McDonalds (bc i alreday missed so much of first period i just said fuck it and enjoyed myself) and came in here at school to WORK. Gonna see Renata today :) hopefully Fernando and her Grandma will give us some privacy this time. Hopefully the school wont contact my dad about missing first and if they do hopefully hell be to hungover to answer or to care. I guess ill find out when i get home and go throught the suspense of grabbing the doorhandle and seeing if its locked or not. Welcome to my everyday life :)

Uh

yeah, i just wanted to post this pic

really just because

its the best picture ever

so yeah, enjoy

Jesus Wept

i love how people always post nice little poems or lyrics to show how indie or cool they are. teehee, i guess i can post some too, let everyone know what im all about :D

Your entire life, your religion is embedded in your mind.
Words spoken from a book, tell you never to change.
After death you a taught, your soul will cleansed.
But even reduced to ashes, the misery still prevails.

The day has finally come for you to be put to rest.
As your body enters the furnace.

Searing fire begins it's path.
As your entity begins it's path.

There will be no rebirth of your soul.
Emptiness that clouds your depression.
Forced in to see the light, knowing Jesus wept.

Only one thing clinging to your mind.
The prayers to the feeble god whom you once believed in.

Looking at the mortals from your cauldron of pain.
Weeping as you know nothing will make this end.
But now an even greater pain engulfs you.
Reincremation did you no good, return to inflict others.

Your credulous family somehow hears your pitiful cries.
They take the urn which contains what is left of your mortal life.
It's taken back to the crematory to attempt once again.
The brutal burning of your soul, thought to cleanse.

00

I havent been posting for the last couple days because for some reason my dad didnt want me on the computer, but its fine, no big deal. The last few days have been pretty fantastic to be honest. Friday, i stayed with my BROTHER josh and we went to this guy bobbys house. Josh got wasted and i had a couple drinks but i had to drive so i kept it to a minimum. we COULDVE stayed at bobbys but whenever i stay at someone elses house i dont get much sleep and i had to wake up and go home so i could contact renata bc if you read my older blogs, you know she gets mad about that stuff which is fine. We went back to joshes and he had like a breakdown and said he wasnt gonna drink but juswt one more time saturday night with just me. He gets a lot of shit for all the stuff hes been through and only being 15. He thinks hes a shitty person and everything but hes not. I LOVE THAT KID. Hes really just my cousin but ive been through more with him thatn anyone and i call him my brother for it. Id give my fucking life for that kid. Anyways, the next day i took renata out on an actual date. The plan was, go to a park for a couple hours, go to a nice restaraunt, then go see a good ass movie like benjamin button or the wrestler. Didnt quite work out how we planned. Needless to say i still had a really great time and its nice just to be with her. So anyways, we saw that no good moives were playing except INKHEART (bleh) at like 8. so we went to the mall to wander and get food. We were walking to the foodcourt then my nigger alex and andi show up out of nowhere and we are like AAAAAH I MISS YOU BRO and we all hug and shit. Alex just got out of jail and i sincerely missed him. And we talked and im sure it was really akward for renata, THEN while we were talking my OTHER nigger john from statesville shows up and we hug and shit and talk about the band and all that shit. By this point Renata is acting kind of blah and unenthusiastic. We went downtown and found a crappy little park to sit at. Stuff was still pretty balh until the sun went down. I did my best to cheer her up and it worked :D buahaha. Then her rents called and are acting weird and saying stuff like she shouldnt vbe alone with me or whatever and she needed to come home after the movie. Idk if it was because the line for the movie was so long or if we just wanted to optimize our time together but we didnt watch it. We just layed in my car fvor two hours and she slept and i just kind if, enjoyed the moment or whatever. WEll i took her home and went to bed. Next day, went to alexes to see him and andi. We hung out for a while, it was nice, man. Then i went to my aunts to get my medication (mind your own business) and call my cousin about working with him to make some money. MAYBE even set the foundation and work full time with him after graduation which would be cool as shit. And i just got home. Not only all this good stuff but a bunch little good stuff happened too. Lets see

got my terror cd back from alex
got some 00 tapers ande a single flared gauge from alex
got the computer back
and well
thats it

still, pretty fucking awesome weekend :D:D:D

Business Management

Here i am again, posting an entry in this blog during second period, i still want a cigarette but im not hungry this time. Just ate a steak biscuit :D today is going well even though its not quite half-way over yet. Didn't do much in psychology, but i did have to rush in the shower not to be late and i feel gross D: yeah i saw Renata again yesterday even though it was just for a couple hours. Ha, we are so gay "two hours isn't enough :O " OH i saw one of my favorite movies yesterday too. Its called Half Nelson and its weird that i found it since its a really small movie, it did win the Sundance channel something something though so idk. And it was on demand so idk woo. If you see it on, watch that shit. Its about a guy who teaches middle school in like the projects and him and this little girl become friends and stuff and the main thing with the movie is that he does crack and coke and at the same time is trying to keep the little girl from getting involved with drug dealers. Its a really good movie with a powerful ending. Idk what I'm doing this weekend, i know Saturday is me and Renata and if i have money we will do something but i doubt i will since i have to buy gas and cigarettes and food. And she wants me to only smoke 2 a day buahahaha no wai. I found the best monologue of my fucking life yesterday in the Sea Wolf by Jack London. A survivor of a shipwreck is picked up by a ship that is captained by a guy called Wolf Larson. And the monologue is wolf chewing out the other guy for never working in his life and the irony of it all. Idk, if i cant find it on the Internet ill just type the whoooole thing out. So... yeah be excited for that it'll take me like 2 hours :P

Instantly Grow Manliness

Well I'm in Business Management right now. Watching old commercials for immaginary products that kids from previous years made. MANLY PILL. INSTANTLY GROW MANLINESS. Its 10:50 and I'm starving for lunch. Nothing much really going on, hanging out with Renata later today :D I actually saw her yesterday too. We watched movies and idk just yeah. Oh and i guess she thinks teasing is funny
pffft
its not :I
Things with her are still going really well, BIG SURPRISE. Oh and i have a class with my friend Becca who i almosssst lost touch with this year. I Hung out with her at McDonald's, smoked a cigarette and just caught up, it was nice. Ah, i want to smoke BAD all day I'm at school, even with my daily smoke breaks at lunch. I found a new cigarette to smoke. Camel Filters. I like the flavor of Turkish Royals but they are too smooth. So Camel Filters are a mix of Turkish and domestic blend, pretty nice but its taking more and more for me to get that chill from the nicotine. I might have to move up to reds or Newports soon. Maybe even unfiltered O: . anyways Ive been taking Lexapro for like 2 days and it doesn't kick in until after like a week or two so whatever. I still really need to find a job, doesn't really matter where I just need to have a way of income when i graduate in a couple months because i want to move out and get my life started. I'm seriously thinking about doing that volunteer program that Renata tried doing. It sounds pretty amazing and it'd be a nice chance for to actually help somebody other then myself. That and Ive been complaining about boredom with everything. Boredom with Lenoir, boredom with the people i know, boredom with the things i do, just boredom of life. I mean Renata keeps stuff interesting but i don't know. But through all this stuff I'm content with my life, that might just be the Lexapro kicking in though ;)

Fucked up

Well i fucked up,
it all started when i went to the doctors office yesterday. No big deal but when i got out i figured id stop by and see my cousin before i went home. Did a bunch of stuff with him and then he told me he needed a ride to statesville to stay with his friend. It didnt seem that bad since my mom lives in statesville and i could just stay there tomorrow. Until like 12 and then go get renata from school and hang out with her. Well, that was the PLAN. It obviously didnt work that way. Ok so i droppedmy cousin off and went to my moms. I was really low on gas by now but i knew my mom would spot me 10 or 5 dollars. Well i wokeup at 5 in the morning and saw my mom. I remembered i needed gas money and asked her about it. She didnt have any money. FUCK. but i passed out again. I was freaking out when io woke up at like 10 because i knew i had to contact renata somehow but i couldnt. 1. Her cell doesnt work 2. IM not allowed on my stepdads computer just his son which is really fucked up. and 3. i lost her house number bc im a dumbass. so yeah i was freaking out but i couldnt think of anything to do but wait until mom got home, get money from her, speed home and call renata. welllll, turns out she told my stepdad to give me money and he KNEW my situation and everything and didnt FUCKING TELL ME ABOUT THE MONEY UNTIL LIKE 3:30. So yeah i didnt get home until whenever and Renata is PISSED at me for not contacting her. So i feel like shit and i hope she gives me another chance or whatever. I want this shit to work and i just want her to feel better. At this point theres really nothing i can do but wait and just hope everything works out. Yeah great.





Ps. ok its like an hour later, everything is fine :D
renata told me to baleet this entry, but i couldnt do that to ALL MY READERS :P

The Day After

Well, pretty good day today :D just woke up,
talked to Renata
met up with Renata at food lion
hung out
watched movies
kept it real


yeah i saw What Dreams May Come with her for the first time. She forced me to watch it, i didn't want to because it sounds like one of those shitty indie-appealing flicks like the science of sleep or whatever. But, it was actually really good and i couldn't have been more wrong. BESO. anyways, it reminded me of how long its been since i was mind-fucked by Donnie Darko. TOO long. ugh I'm getting bored of the same CDs in my car. My collection isnt very good because i USED to have a WORKING zune, but nope. It glitched bad. Everything was baleeted. Cant put anymore music on it whatever. Anyways all Ive got in my car is some Hoods, The Banner, some compilation album from a Hatebreed/Terror show that i got from Alex, Spitfire, and PANTERA woooo. partay. Oh ha and i think Renata's dad didn't really like me. Until i busted out some Spanish guitar for him. he was basically like O: . LOVED that shit, i knew getting familiar with that Spanish scale would pay off ;) uhhhh things just seem to keep getting better and better with Renata. gonna end on that :D

btw, if blogger let me put a caption for that Robin Williams pic, it'd say "what do you mean, theres no cake?"

A Little Late to Start a Blog

I HAD TO REWRITE THIS WHOLE GODAMN ENTRY

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK
Okay, well its the end of my first semester as a senior at Hibriten high school. I think i passed English and discrete math but i obviously failed marketing and well community service. I don't care though, as long as i pass two classes next semester i can still graduate. Things are actually going well with Renata, which is normal. just not IN GENERAL. I mean, my relationships pretty much always explode in my face. But this one is different i think. Ahaha I'm lame. anyways, i just got kicked out of my house AGAIN, he let me back but i think this is actually my last chance to straighten up. I'm not gonna go into details :P ah my friend Alex gets out of jail in a couple days I'm pretty sure, i feel bad that i didn't get to see him but i made sure his mom would give him the message that i care about his ass and miss him and all that. I hope i can hang out with him a little bit when he gets back. Back to relationship thing because its the only interesting thing i have to talk to you kids about. I don't understand it but i get sooo jealous sometimes. I don't show it or whatever but every time she says a guy is cute or just anything, i just want to punch myself. hmmm lets see... i want to keep this thing going... i haven't been to a show in like a month, the last one i went to was at the bleeding heart tattoo and the bands were 20 eyes, cascades, ill will, Never In Life and Gates of Assyria. the bands tore it up and shit except I've never really like Gates. Its whatever. I put myself in the pit enough to have fun, almost broke my fucking nose but its all good, why even go to a show if your gonna bitch about getting hit?

and haha i think I'm gonna leave on that line...









10 bands ive been listening too most recently

Suffocation
The Locust (as usual)
Napalm Death
Shattered Realm
Anal Cunt
Force Fed Broken Glass
Neurosis
Pelican
Integrity
PANTERA