Randumb

Hi this is jacob. I dont think you know me. Maybe you used to know me but not anymore. Im not that much different, its not like i strayed from my life's path and became a different person, I just kind of leaped forward on my little path that defines me. I think I really have developed a lot more as myself. In fact I don't think its much of a stretch to say that I am confident that I have surpassed the limitations created by my age, culture and peers. This makes me different, even though Im the first person to say that basing all decisions on rebellion is futile in the end, and not to mention deceptive not only to others but too yourself. Anyways, yeah, I have been noticing things lately about how little the outside world truly affects me. I may seem to put too much weight behind peoples action and this is true, but the fact that I still exist and can funtion socially and emotionally even through all of the harships I've faced shows me that I can do anything. I am truly thankful for this. Thank you, Dad. Thank you, Mom. Thank you, world. What does depress me is how easy it is for others, at frst this evoked anger, envy, jealousy, hatred, fury and frustration but I have discovered that I am the lucky one. I have been PREPARED. fight or flight, ill fight. Sink or swim, Ill fucking swim. I havent had a choice, this necessity is what drives all life, Its what drove the first fish to flop up on land and set in motion the events that led to the evolution of mankind. It seems that this necessity is what pushes life in general and if thats true then I really have had more then my allotment. Whatever. No more complexity, just simplicity.

Renata is my girlfriend. We are really different and it causes some problems. Obviously, not a big deal because we love eachother so much It would take a LOT to get between us. Typically the emotional problems come from her end but it's not really her fault, its just in our nature. Its in my nature to look deeply into all our actions and its in her nature to relax. I think there is beauty in our conflict and idk,

I love her though.

I have a job

I dont want to talk about it.

I like music


big fucking deal
Ive got a LOT more to talk about and maybe Ill remember and post some of it on here
if not why dont you just actually be a friend you lazy bastards.

roadsign

well im confused
ive got two different paths in front of me and i have no idea what to do
on one side i have the military, 4 years of isolation from my family but a lifetime of pride in return

or
get a job, make endsmeat, try to get my tattooing license, try to get my band up and going

i have no idea what to do so im gonna keep losing weight and pretending like i know whats right.
and FUCK YOU RENATA
you not in here anywhere XP


(edit) i mean your not in the post you bitch, your in BOTH the options

i love you

:o

First of all, I promise to spell check all of this so don't worry. Okay, here we go.

I obviously haven't been posting on this website for sooome time. But it's all good man just keep reading. I am gonna get through as much as I can as fast as I can so you might want to grab on to your chair.

I'm losing wight for the military
i beat the shit out of their test, any job is mine
i want to be in intelligence
they said I've got the job basically
CIA/FBI after military
that's right, still in love
more than ever man
gonna get married someday
got a tattoo
it's of Odin
he represents how i want to be when I am done getting through all these hardships, when I'm old and retired, he is Odin the wanderer, I think I want to just walk up and down little trails through the woods behind my old cabin, and just fish and chop wood and curl up near a fire with my baby
I like white rice a lot more now
I have made a lot of progress towards being more at peace with myself and the world
I can tell most of you have stopped reading by now but maybe this blog has caught you and you just can't stop reading until you get to the end. This pretty much gives me control of what you are thinking about right now
hmmm no matter what I say you'll read it haha
I like to fish
there, normally that would never come up in a conversation, but now that Ive got you reading and reading I might as well get it out there (maybe you'll be going on a fishing trip and all your friends back out and you need SOMEONE to go with you :D )
lets finish this yeah?
I love classical music
I love folk music
I like Bluegrass
I'm okay with blues and jazz

I FUCKING love true grind
I FUCKING love death-metal but the real kind
I like hardcore a lot

pantera will always be my favorite band
Renata is my favorite girl
(don't tell her though I don't think she knows it yet)

The Loss

I like me, to be honest. Well, 'like" is a strong word. Lets just say im satisfied with myself while still longing for improvement. No matter what happens, all i ever see of myself is a negative image, what i could be or should be, and if i ever improve, instead of seeing myself better, i merely see that list of thngs getting smaller. Ha, i think this is the ONLY area that i should actually get better with. Just being happy with myself. Oh, and i guess i could get my prioriies a little fixed, like not playing stupid little back in order. Like not playing stupid little compuiter games even for a MINUTE when ive got a beautiful amazing girl beside me thats actually in love with me that wants me to kiss her :P

moving on
ive noticed that everyone around me has totally different experiences than me, or atleast a different outlook. For example, other people always seem have cute little things to say or just notice little stuff that makes them sooo happy and just love everything. Now im not saying im a huge pessimist and hate everything or anything, in fact its the contrary. I love life. maybe i hate people, but i love life. In fact i think that with all the shit thats happened to me, id have to love life this much just to go on. anyways yeah, I dont have cute little things that i notice about stuff, i dont really know WHAT i have that makes me happy, a good best friend maybe (<3 <3 <3) maybe just my love for certain things. Like walking with my cousins down the street to a log cabin, or riding a golf off jumps in a field haha. Maybe even just sitting at home with my girl and just watching a movie, or not. Idk what really keeps me going, but im thankful :)

Way of the Future

:D
lots of talk about the future has been flying around lately, (uh, with renata). Which is just making me excited about it. I mean we just have so much to look forward to, and weve discussed soo much stuff and i would post it but everyone will just think we are dumb :P big stuff. I think looking to the future and what is to come is what is keeping me from taking too hard of a look at the present and just exploding. Ive got no car, im sick, cant do vocals, bands on a hiatus, cant find a job etc... But i think this is all little stuff anyways. I dont even really know why im posting a blog haha, ive got nothing to really talk about and no way to entertain anyone reading this. I just wanted to talk about how deeply in love i am with Renata haha. just so you alllll know :P shes purrrreetty gureat. It already feels like we are an old couple that has been together 90% of their lives. It feels like when we are together im on a vacation from the rest of the world on our own little island with just me and her. *sigh* I can say i know what love is haha


oh im such a happy faggot
woooo

What im listening to