Randumb

Hi this is jacob. I dont think you know me. Maybe you used to know me but not anymore. Im not that much different, its not like i strayed from my life's path and became a different person, I just kind of leaped forward on my little path that defines me. I think I really have developed a lot more as myself. In fact I don't think its much of a stretch to say that I am confident that I have surpassed the limitations created by my age, culture and peers. This makes me different, even though Im the first person to say that basing all decisions on rebellion is futile in the end, and not to mention deceptive not only to others but too yourself. Anyways, yeah, I have been noticing things lately about how little the outside world truly affects me. I may seem to put too much weight behind peoples action and this is true, but the fact that I still exist and can funtion socially and emotionally even through all of the harships I've faced shows me that I can do anything. I am truly thankful for this. Thank you, Dad. Thank you, Mom. Thank you, world. What does depress me is how easy it is for others, at frst this evoked anger, envy, jealousy, hatred, fury and frustration but I have discovered that I am the lucky one. I have been PREPARED. fight or flight, ill fight. Sink or swim, Ill fucking swim. I havent had a choice, this necessity is what drives all life, Its what drove the first fish to flop up on land and set in motion the events that led to the evolution of mankind. It seems that this necessity is what pushes life in general and if thats true then I really have had more then my allotment. Whatever. No more complexity, just simplicity.

Renata is my girlfriend. We are really different and it causes some problems. Obviously, not a big deal because we love eachother so much It would take a LOT to get between us. Typically the emotional problems come from her end but it's not really her fault, its just in our nature. Its in my nature to look deeply into all our actions and its in her nature to relax. I think there is beauty in our conflict and idk,

I love her though.

I have a job

I dont want to talk about it.

I like music


big fucking deal
Ive got a LOT more to talk about and maybe Ill remember and post some of it on here
if not why dont you just actually be a friend you lazy bastards.

roadsign

well im confused
ive got two different paths in front of me and i have no idea what to do
on one side i have the military, 4 years of isolation from my family but a lifetime of pride in return

or
get a job, make endsmeat, try to get my tattooing license, try to get my band up and going

i have no idea what to do so im gonna keep losing weight and pretending like i know whats right.
and FUCK YOU RENATA
you not in here anywhere XP


(edit) i mean your not in the post you bitch, your in BOTH the options

i love you

:o

First of all, I promise to spell check all of this so don't worry. Okay, here we go.

I obviously haven't been posting on this website for sooome time. But it's all good man just keep reading. I am gonna get through as much as I can as fast as I can so you might want to grab on to your chair.

I'm losing wight for the military
i beat the shit out of their test, any job is mine
i want to be in intelligence
they said I've got the job basically
CIA/FBI after military
that's right, still in love
more than ever man
gonna get married someday
got a tattoo
it's of Odin
he represents how i want to be when I am done getting through all these hardships, when I'm old and retired, he is Odin the wanderer, I think I want to just walk up and down little trails through the woods behind my old cabin, and just fish and chop wood and curl up near a fire with my baby
I like white rice a lot more now
I have made a lot of progress towards being more at peace with myself and the world
I can tell most of you have stopped reading by now but maybe this blog has caught you and you just can't stop reading until you get to the end. This pretty much gives me control of what you are thinking about right now
hmmm no matter what I say you'll read it haha
I like to fish
there, normally that would never come up in a conversation, but now that Ive got you reading and reading I might as well get it out there (maybe you'll be going on a fishing trip and all your friends back out and you need SOMEONE to go with you :D )
lets finish this yeah?
I love classical music
I love folk music
I like Bluegrass
I'm okay with blues and jazz

I FUCKING love true grind
I FUCKING love death-metal but the real kind
I like hardcore a lot

pantera will always be my favorite band
Renata is my favorite girl
(don't tell her though I don't think she knows it yet)

The Loss

I like me, to be honest. Well, 'like" is a strong word. Lets just say im satisfied with myself while still longing for improvement. No matter what happens, all i ever see of myself is a negative image, what i could be or should be, and if i ever improve, instead of seeing myself better, i merely see that list of thngs getting smaller. Ha, i think this is the ONLY area that i should actually get better with. Just being happy with myself. Oh, and i guess i could get my prioriies a little fixed, like not playing stupid little back in order. Like not playing stupid little compuiter games even for a MINUTE when ive got a beautiful amazing girl beside me thats actually in love with me that wants me to kiss her :P

moving on
ive noticed that everyone around me has totally different experiences than me, or atleast a different outlook. For example, other people always seem have cute little things to say or just notice little stuff that makes them sooo happy and just love everything. Now im not saying im a huge pessimist and hate everything or anything, in fact its the contrary. I love life. maybe i hate people, but i love life. In fact i think that with all the shit thats happened to me, id have to love life this much just to go on. anyways yeah, I dont have cute little things that i notice about stuff, i dont really know WHAT i have that makes me happy, a good best friend maybe (<3 <3 <3) maybe just my love for certain things. Like walking with my cousins down the street to a log cabin, or riding a golf off jumps in a field haha. Maybe even just sitting at home with my girl and just watching a movie, or not. Idk what really keeps me going, but im thankful :)

Way of the Future

:D
lots of talk about the future has been flying around lately, (uh, with renata). Which is just making me excited about it. I mean we just have so much to look forward to, and weve discussed soo much stuff and i would post it but everyone will just think we are dumb :P big stuff. I think looking to the future and what is to come is what is keeping me from taking too hard of a look at the present and just exploding. Ive got no car, im sick, cant do vocals, bands on a hiatus, cant find a job etc... But i think this is all little stuff anyways. I dont even really know why im posting a blog haha, ive got nothing to really talk about and no way to entertain anyone reading this. I just wanted to talk about how deeply in love i am with Renata haha. just so you alllll know :P shes purrrreetty gureat. It already feels like we are an old couple that has been together 90% of their lives. It feels like when we are together im on a vacation from the rest of the world on our own little island with just me and her. *sigh* I can say i know what love is haha


oh im such a happy faggot
woooo

What im listening to

Renata wnats to see TT

apparently they are playing in june in charlotte,
idk who with but prolly someone kickass bands
i am fucking stoked, renatas never been to a real hc show
gonna be funnnnnnn :D:D:D



(those are just the BEST shows)
oh and i totally saw CD live
haha i think i turned into a crazy blur running around screaming with the vocalist and just going berzerk haha
good times good times...


heres whats up <3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xWJUwqAfhE

skinless cattle

Fuck yes fuck yes fuck yes. i have always loved skinless, but it has been only recently that I have gotten this huge appreciation for them. hmmm its weird. You can be sure the words "Skinless-Trample the Weak, Hurdle the Dead" will be showing up in my utorrent client sooooon :) (oh and some new soilent green stuffff) anyways, chyeah went to prom. It was really nice. I didnt know anyone there but I still danced with Renata, maybe i shouldve danced more because she asked to dance with someone else, and me (being me) absolutely said that i wasnt cool with that. Buts its all good, prom was still really fun and everything. My bad luck with cars was proven TWICE over the fucking weekend :( btw pics of prom are up on the space. Ive been feeling pretty good lately, had a fucking fanTASTIC day with Renata yesterday. ALL DAY. it was nice <3>

dreams do come true

Im NOT gonna mention Renata in this blog :P

Ive been so busy lately, what with prom and finding a job... and prom. But I'm not gonna talk about that in this blog, what im gonna talk about is CDs. I fucking hate CD-Rs and i hate i-tunes and windows media player. They will fucking put a microsecond of a song onto a cd then glitch and stop, then (since its a cd-R, theres no going back, your done) thats right, i have a CD with such a small amount of a song on it that my cd player in my car doesnt even fucking recognize it. The zune software wouldve never done that to me :( which brings me to my next point, if i dont find my old zune and fix it soon, im gonna go postal on everyone. No joke. I miss my Gigliorononomicon (that was his name haha) Moving on, I have been trying to be mature lately, like dressing more mature (not just Bball shorts and a hoodie or shirt) you know. I found someone that might be interested in playing second guitar in my band which is great because I have already figured out second guitar riffs for most of the songs, and this way we can add some stuff to the songs, you know, making the old lead riffs into just rhythm and adding some layering and maybe some solos (eeeeheeee :D:D:D) i cant wait, which is funny because im the vocalist, dont get me wrong, im an amazing vocalist, but i just wish it was more involved in the creative process of a song, you know?


uh
Renatas amazing too ;)

All my life

all Ive ever wanted to listen to was agoraphobic nosebleed. Well, thats how it wouldve been had i heard of them back then. Anyways its all i want to listen to now, and the faceless which is nothing new :P (they are amazing) half day of school today, which kind of makes everything weird because i got here at like 10:10 which is still early enough to catch second period IF it was a normal day. Not to mention i have no gas at all and I cant leave school until 12:30 BUT today I get out at like 11. hmmm ill just convince some people to hang out with me and ill be like "dont worry, i leave early all the time" hahaha make them feel like Im skipping too and i could get fucked too. Ha i should work for the principle, convincing kids to go skip with me and then just taking them to his office haha (ONLY IF HE PAID) nah but not really. Been reading about horoscopes and stuff like that good stuff good stuff.

Heres mine Im a capricorn/sagittarius cusp
(TL;DR)

Sagittarius is the ninth sign of the Zodiac; Capricorn is the tenth. Sagittarius/Capricorns use knowledge to understand the world and hard work to master it. Those born on this cusp are both ambitious and disciplined, determined and dedicated to achieving their goals. They are also practical and realistic, cautious not to get in over their head. Sagittarius/Capricorns are the scholars and learners of the zodiac. They seek the truth and the meaning of life, and they love to explore. The astrological symbol of Sagittarius is the Archer. The Archer is a Centaur, half man and half horse, and it is the only sign of the zodiac that is half man and half beast. Centaurs were the great scholars and intellectuals of Greek and Roman myth, but they could also be hotheaded and aggressive. The astrological symbol of Capricorn is the Sea Goat. They start from the sea and ascend to the highest mountain tops, working their way upward with every step. While the path is not always smooth, their determination to succeed ensures they will persevere. They can also be rigid and unforgiving when others stand in their way. Sagittarius/Capricorns are not fixed or opinionated, and they have no set plan or bias, but seek to learn new ideas as they come. This aspect is indicative of the mutable nature of the sun sign Sagittarius. These people often excel in the workplace and are business leaders, often starting businesses or coming up with new ideas. In this way, Capricorn exemplifies the cardinal quality assigned to it. Capricorns' organizational ability combines with their diligence to help them achieve their goals. Sagittarius/Capricorns desire the freedom to do what they want when they want, and they tend to be impulsive and independent. Sagittarius is ruled by the planet Jupiter. In ancient Roman mythology, Jupiter (and his Greek equivalent, Zeus) was the king of the gods. Jupiter represents expansion in all its forms, including the mental outreach so prominent in Sagittarians, but it also may invite excess. Capricorn is ruled by the planet Saturn. In ancient Roman mythology, Saturn (and his Greek equivalent, Cronus) was the father of many of the gods, including Zeus. Saturn is about discipline, hard work and responsibility. Sagittarius/Capricorns are interested in mental exploration as teachers and philosophers, and are loyal and charitable, self-controlled and self-reliant. They are also trustworthy and charming, adaptable to all situations. The element associated with Sagittarius is Fire. The element associated with Capricorn is Earth. Fire/Earth Signs are physical and practical. While they are about action and leadership, they are not in a hurry. Their innate optimism and belief in straightforward dealings with others can sometimes make them careless or impulsive, but underneath they are economical, shrewd and rather conservative. Sagittarius/Capricorns love to have a good time, and they are outgoing and friendly. They are, however, also among the most responsible and traditional signs of the zodiac. They are generally polite and warm, because they understand that making enemies will not help them achieve in life. Many Sagittarius/Capricorns are natural comedians, sometimes exaggerating their adventures to entertain others. Their innate self-confidence may make them argumentative or blunt, but their intention is to learn, not to offend. They are high-spirited and enthusiastic, often flirtatious, and they tend to enjoy social life immensely. In their leisure time, Sagittarius/Capricorns athleticism comes to the forefront. Personal challenge is always appreciated, and they tend to prefer competition with others. One-on-one competition also appeals to them, and they especially enjoy golf and martial arts. They tend to be lucky, and may enjoy gambling. Thanks to their philosophical side, they also enjoy drama, debate and most other mentally challenging pursuits. In love relationships, Sagittarius/Capricorns are flirtatious, devoted and playful. The great strength of the Sagittarius/Capricorn-born is in their philosophical and exploratory nature. It is important to them that they live life to the fullest, experiencing everything they can. Their ambition is inexhaustible, and they are not easily deterred when their goals are in sight. Their hard work makes them one of the most successful characters of the Zodiac.






Im mostly capricorn though and Renata is the same cusp as me but closer to sagittarius
anyways

it said we match too haha
(go figure) :P

OMG SO LONG
btw this is a detailed charts readings

Rising Sign is in 22 Degrees Pisces Very sensitive to your surroundings, other people's feelings become your feelings. Try to avoid negative people because your tendency to empathize with them will make you negative also. An idealist, you must believe in something beyond your normal everyday existence. A dreamer, you like to escape to a world of your own creation. As such, you are known for the vividness of your imagination and should try to share your inner visions with others. Very self-sacrificial by nature, beware of others becoming overly dependent on you or vice versa. Allow yourself to live for yourself once in a while -- you deserve it. Don't be so envious of those who are more aggressive than you -- your gentle charity and true humility are indeed wonderful gifts. on the tenth house cusp (MIDHEAVEN). Sun is in 01 Degrees Capricorn. Extremely serious and mature, you are capable of accepting responsibilities and do so willingly. Others expect you to be dutiful as a matter of course. You tend to get angry when people get rewards after not having worked anywhere near as hard as you. You are goal-oriented and an achiever by nature -- you're a hard worker and are justifiably proud of the tangible results of your efforts. You tend to have "tunnel-vision" -- this allows you to block out extraneous matters that might distract others and to concentrate totally on the matter at hand. As such, you are the ideal one to manage or administrate any ongoing project and to be practical and efficient at it. You are not a fast worker, but you are quite thorough. You are known for being totally persistent, tenacious and tireless in reaching your goals. Moon is in 14 Degrees Pisces. You have strong feelings and are extremely sensitive. It would help if you had a thicker skin -- you tend to react emotionally to every situation you come across. Kind, gentle and considerate of the feelings of others, you are good at taking care of the sick, wounded and helpless. But you tend to absorb the energy of others -- so avoid those who are always negative. You have a rich, creative and lively imagination, but you should be careful not to spend all your time daydreaming. Very intuitive, you have good ESP and may be quite clairvoyant or psychic. Remember that you too have the right to get what you want from life. If you are always defensive and kowtowing to others, people will take advantage of you and exploit you.

Summary

Wellllllll, my sister had her baby at 12:44 on thursday the 23rd of April. Heres how it went for me, I woke up and went to school, just barely managing to log in enough hours for the day to actually be considered present (high-five) then I went and picked up Renata just going about like any other thursday. Until She tells me that she got a call from Josh saying that Jessica had the baby. Obviously i HAD TO GO and i end3ed up dropping Renata and her brother off at home because for whatever reason (dont remember buaha) Renata couldnt come with me to see my new baby neice (which would be nice and put things into perspective with us ;) ) but oh well, I had forgotten to call my mom for directions and i have no cell phone (they are for earners) the only information I had for the hospital was EXIT 128, so i took the exit ramp off and flipped a coin and went left. Thank you god because you apparently gave me good fortune with that cointoss and i found the hospital just down the road. I ran in asking for Jessica Bumgarner, got her room number and jumped in the elevator. I found her room and slowly opened the door. I could see about 10 family members crowding the room and signs that pretty much the entire family had been in the room at some point. The spread open like the curtains to a play or something leaving my sister, holding her new BEAUTIFUL daughter. She kind of looks like me... And thats when i knew this was an important moment in all our lives :)


Oh and of course, i hung out with Renata Sunday and we had a great time. Well, as good a time as we could have with her Dad constantly bothering her and going on with his gay little "concerned father" antics. You know, making us stay in the living room, making her do chores while im there to obvioulsy keep her busy, and from getting drunk and high and diseased and PREGNANT BY THAT JACOB KID! :P But we did still have a good time, we made sandwhiches (she took a bite of hers before we left!!!!) (PARENTHESIS!) and chips and cookies and had a picnic. Even though her dad eventually ruined that, we still got a good 10 minutes of alone time to watch the sunset and look at the stars, and the whole time, all i could think about was that someday, we could do this all that we wanted and just be together without all the other people there bothering us. *sigh* someday. <3

EDIT: haha this one ended almost the same as the last entry

Nosebleeds

Hi
Things have been going well for me, just got out of spring break and i can honestly say that i had fun :) Spent most of it with Renata (yay) thats always a good way to spend my time haha
We even went to blowing rock with her family and at first she was feeling kind of down but i like to think i helped her feel better haha :D Regardless of if i helped she seems happy and thats all that matters. Anyways, i hung out with my stepbrother steven too and we just sat at home and played video games into the early morning hours. Dude i almost forgot, me him and Renata all played fucking laser tag. Like, a bunch haha. It was fun, even though we lost Renatas little brother and he was crying because he was so scared and i had to go talk to him mano e mano. But i comforted him and it was all good and stuff because IM EVERYONES DAD. Meanwhile renata and i actually were pretty depressed because all it takes is one of us to be upset and no matter what, the other can try to cheer them up but we end up just sharing emotions, its weird but idk it says something good about our relationship and how close we are, so i love it :D:D:D
i havent been to a goodass show in too long. I need to fucking beat some kids faces in. Its a good release ;) DUDE my abnd fucking recorded and got pics like 3 weeks ago and the kid thats supposed to post them fucking HASNT even though i see his ass on myspace all the time. Now, me and him are good ass friends and shit but idk man if he cant even fucking do one little thing for me then its whatever. I dont need people like that. BUT, i dont want top get ahead of myself, we are still friends and maybe (just maybe) he really just cant post it for whatever reason and now i sound like a dick. nothing new :P Oh, and i have a job set up for as soon as i graduate and its apparently a really good paying job so it can probably support me during the the fall when i start going to college (probably CCC & TI) and then i can get my own little apartment with a close friend as a room mate and Renata can come over alllll the fucking time and we can just be together with nobody ruining it. *sigh* i just cant wait <3

Now youve done it, blogger

Now I know (and so does everyone else) that me and you are in a crazy, rollercoaster ride of a relationship and i would do anything for you. But this is ridiculous, no blogger, no i will not take "uppers" with you.

I do not like them in a house.

I do not like them with a mouse.

I do not like them here or there.

I do not like them anywhere

thats green eggs and ham btw.

macadenu, imma denu

macadenu denu denu

macadamus

imma tetron

imma tetron

tetron tetron

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

AAAAAAAAAAAAH!

woooh, that NEVER gets old

never...

Im not sure

just not sure about anything anymore. Might be going to hang out with brandon today i think his mom was gonna get us like a bunch of chinese or something idk but boo-yah. Hes just about the only person i can have a decent conversation about music with. I wish i didnt miss that Faceless show last night but nobody wanted to go with me, not even Renata. I guess if i actually like a band then the rest of the world hates them haha. Then Saturday me and Renata are going to a rodeo teehee it should be kind of fun amybe but afterward me, her and my mom are gonna go try to find a vest for me to wear to prom. Should be nice i guess idk. But then im going to statesville to stay and i think i will hit up some old friends and have a good time. Idk it should be a pretty kickass weekend. Hmmm I wonder if Renata really did try to kiss Emma? :P

Riding

man, i dont post enough entries in this blog to go into many details (anymore) but ill try not to speak in generalities, okay? :)

Well, things are good for me but to be honest they always are. I got some things sorted out at school and i ended up with only 2 classes buahaha. I just moved back in with my dad after what seemed like a month long binder. I am still head over heels by the way, and holy shit, yesterday renata FELL DOWN THE STAIRS and hurt her ankle so i went over and layed with her and tried to help her with stuff and it was nice, except her recent injury :P (btw my blogs are jumpy like my mind but you are gonna have to bare with me) i feel like im at a key part of my life, and this is where everything needs to fall in place. I need to graduate and get on the right path and head off to college. I need to be better in my relationship with Renata. God knows she deserves it. In fact, she even mentioned breaking up with me and i know it was just an impulsive, quick thought but it devastated me. I was just pacing up and down a hallway for like 45 minutes, not knowing if i should scream and break something or just cry or something, so i did neither haha. Sometimes it does feel like shes not feeling as strongly about me as i do about her but thats okay. Nothing i can do to change that i guess except be myself and do my best. Really, nothing bad ever happens i just get super upset over stupid little shit. Thats really what causes our few little problems. Like we went to a little party thing and up until the end everything was perfect. Like, we were laughing and having fun and we were the only ones dancing for a slow song and it was really nice but then we got in an elevator, and she just mentioned that last time she was at that place, well, it doesnt matter its not really any of your business but she just said some meaningless little thing and i felt sick afterward. I hate this blog because i start most entries on a positive note but end up talking about a bunch of stupid little bullshit. But its not accurate because there are soooo many things going on that are just amazing but i guess i get used to it and then all i can see is the bad stuff. I dont want that to happen, because i could end up losing all the good things and just be stuck with the all the bad stuff that at one time is all i could think about. yeah i hope this made sense by the way :P That didnt really come out the way i meant it, i meant it like...

Renata is so amazing and perfect (which she doesnt even know) and i have this flaw that makes me see stupid little stuff and get upset. But, i promise it wont happen anymore. pinky promise. <3

Slam

Man oh man, im sorry ive been neglecting you, blogger. i dont really consider anything that happens to me "blogger-worthy" but whatever. god ive been skipping soooo much class. but its ok becuase i only need one credit and ive got a 97 in principles of business! boo-yah.Ive been hanging out with my friend brandon a lot lately which is good because hes prolly been my friend for a larger portion of my life than anyone else. hes funny as shit too. My ears are up to 7/16s i shouldve skipped to 1/2 but i wanted to play it safe. God, see i told you blogger, this stuff is puretty boring ha. I do have some interesting stuff to say though so chill out. Things are STILL going well with Renata. Well is a bit of an understatement though. I mean we DO hav3e disagreements and bad days and stuff but the thing that makes us so amazing together is that we just get through it and bounce back, better than ever :D Not to mention, ive never felt this strongly about a girl before. I try to give her space and stuff but i want to see her so badly that i must come off as needy sometimes but I DONT CARE. buahaha. GODAMN i love molotov solution. Yeah, im listening to them right now, i just want to raise my fist to the heavens and scream it from a mountain top "this band is really good!" :P. i think im gonna quit watching TV for a while. Life just seems so much better without it. Like yesterday, I woke up, and fished all day. I hadnt fished in atleast 4 years or so and i had forgotten just how relaxing it is. Everything else just fades away and all that matters is you and the lake. *sigh* Back to relationships and gheyness, Im actually going with her to look for a dress for someone else. I dont think you guys understand what this means, if it was with ANYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD theres no fucking way i would go. srsly. I wish i could be more romantic

Bombshell

Sooo much of those little things that you think people will find interesting on blogspot have happened to me since last post. But i think im going to ignore them and post about something important.
ahem
Renata is the most amazing girl ive ever met and im confident enough (and not embarassed) to say that im in love with her
there
put that in your pipe and smoke it :D

Things

Fuck Life
WTF Renata
srsly
that message to that weirdass kid about snuggling with him and calling him your true love
godamn, its like you want me to feel like shit sometimes

spoon-feeding

nothing much mothing much, saw renata yesterday and we rented EVIL-FUCKING-DEAD-TWO!
oh yeah no big deal, right? NO its the best movie ever. It was nice haha having half a day off and ACTUALLY being with Renata too. Even if shes on the rag... :P nah its no big deal, its just a week or whatever. Theres a show tomorrow and im stoked about xHONORx but im not fucking staying My Hero Is Me. FUCK THAT BAND. I hate their music, i hate them, and i hate people that dont hate them like I do. My dad is being super weird lately too. He seems really mad about something but he wont tell me and he wont even let me call my godamn girlfriend D: The Sea-Wolf continues to be an amazing piece of literature. I only read it little by little periodically throughout the day so i can like, really take it all in you know? Its nice going to shows and everything but its bitter-sweet bc i hate all the faggoty drama that comes out of it EVERY TIME. But its nothing new, if you want good music your gonna have to put up with a bunch of douchebags who want to look cool. Ill just do what i always do, go to the show, stick to myself and talk to old friends, im not much for making new buddies at shows, mostly enemies. If someone gives me shit, that sucks for them because i get really violent at shows, i think bc i keep it alllll in during day-to-day life. It must really build up by the time i get to a show and its the only place to vent.

Stand Back

Andrea and Renata love Blogger

im IN Love with Blogger


EDIT: You guys wait, i get to reannact this picture

Move

Its Monday, which means here i am in second period typing up a blog about my weekend. I didnt really do all that much. Friday i went to Renatas and watched Donnie Darko and we had fun :) saturday i pretty much went to like 4 peoples houses and just chilled all day then sneaked renata out and got some food. Yesterday i didnt do much either, just went to my cousins and went to statesville for a little while. I lost my key which is the only one i have and i had to search for it for like 40 minutes. Ah this entry sucks. Seeing Renata today :D

And So it Starts Again

(i found this website that has all my old artwork on it, so yeah, i call this piece... LEAF :P )Band practice with a new band today. im pretty stoked but pretty skeptical and pessimistic (for good reason) Its so hard for me to find anyone who shares the same taste in music with me. I can do what i did in Axe The Executioner and just write most of it and be in charge of the like sound in general but it didnt work bc the other guys just didnt have the convictions for deathmetal and grind that i have. Maybe this time will be different but who really knows. Atleast i get to make music again :D Main thing though, if the band DOESNT listen to my opinion and just tries to do their own thing it wont work and ill quit. I know its about everyone bringing their own taste into the music but not if that persons passion is in nu-metal or old rock or what the fuck ever. Nope, no sir. But i think this might work which will be great. It might be tough keeping the guys from either writing something corny as shit or jsut straight breakdowns. I mean, dont get me wrong, i love breakdowns and i move at every fucking show i go to but there should be a limit. Its like saying fuck in between every word. It kind of loses its meaning you know? fuck

Another Day

Nothing much today. Not much since yesterday. I shaved my face *shrug* and i went to the grocery store yesterday. My love of despised icon has been renewed though haha. Sorry ive got nothing for this entry and im really calling it in by only talking about how i have NOTHING to talk about :) i need to set up another apointment with the doc, i told renata i didnt use any of those pills but ah, i used two that day haha. So im out :( my computer at home is all kinds of fucked up, and dad keeps yelling at me saying stuff like i sabotaged his computer but in reality, i know what keeps putting viruses on it, and lets jsut say its not me :P I am gonna start eating healthier again, i usually stick to a healthy diet for like a month and lose about 15 to 20 pounds but then i just say fuck it and just let myself go. Its really a problem of just giving a shit. But whatever, thats atleast another month of healthierness (sp) coming my way. High-five

Kicked Out AGAIN

HA! Ok so last semester i got a ton of shit from my parents for skipping so much school and whatever. They just kept saying shit like "your gonna fail all your classes, your not gonna graduate, you have to move out!" yeah, and saying that I'm a terrible person and worthless and gonna end up on the streets and alllll that bullshit. I dealt with it right, sifted through it. BTW ive never failed a class in my life and for almost all my high school career i was in honors. Ok, anyways i got my report card, chyeah i passed all my fucking classes. In fact, i could have graduate early if it wasn't for mom wanting me to be at graduation. So they only gave me 3 classes last semester so i couldn't graduate yet. Now I'm stuck here at school coming everyday for like 4 months just for ONE credit. So i figured my dad would fucking ease up since, you know, i fucking proved them all wrong by passing all my shit last semester but no. I woke up late today and was just like "no big deal" and he had the fucking AUDACITY to say "you need to go live somewhere else" I asked why "because you don't care about school and your not gonna graduate" I swear to god, I'm going by my cousins house I'm almost certain they'll let me stay with them. This happens all the time but the fact that i proved them wrong and hes STILL doing this fucking bullshit its gonna go down differently now. I'm not gonna come back after school to talk to dad and beg him to let me stay, no fuck that. So hopefully after today ill be living in Granite falls but ill still make the little 30 minute drive to Hibriten every day i don't care. I'm just tired of my parents that act like I'm so fucking bad at life and that I'm worthless. I cant think of anyone else who's parents are so quick to kick them out. Other then that stuff I'm doing pretty good though :D Renata, if i dont contact you today then ill just see you tomorrow at 3:45 :)

All My Heroes Have Beards

The man beside these words is Samuel Beam. He IS Iron and Wine. Usually folk or indie bands seem to shallow and stupid for me. I think this man is one of the few people that still has convictions for good song writing. I can listen to iron and wine for hours, it always makes me want to just drive forever. To anywhere. Im in second period right now. I just had to read like fucking 16 chapters in the FUCKING BIBLE for Old Testament. I dont mind it i guess i mean i signed up for the class and shit but wtf we have to read 4 chapters every single day, including weekends and sunday which is weird, and then write a damn paragraph for every chapter. But i just finished that and i actually just finished writing an essay about Samuel Beam haha. Probably what inspired me to make this particular entry. Yeah i woke up at like 8:15 today, took a shower, ate breakfast at McDonalds (bc i alreday missed so much of first period i just said fuck it and enjoyed myself) and came in here at school to WORK. Gonna see Renata today :) hopefully Fernando and her Grandma will give us some privacy this time. Hopefully the school wont contact my dad about missing first and if they do hopefully hell be to hungover to answer or to care. I guess ill find out when i get home and go throught the suspense of grabbing the doorhandle and seeing if its locked or not. Welcome to my everyday life :)

Uh

yeah, i just wanted to post this pic

really just because

its the best picture ever

so yeah, enjoy

Jesus Wept

i love how people always post nice little poems or lyrics to show how indie or cool they are. teehee, i guess i can post some too, let everyone know what im all about :D

Your entire life, your religion is embedded in your mind.
Words spoken from a book, tell you never to change.
After death you a taught, your soul will cleansed.
But even reduced to ashes, the misery still prevails.

The day has finally come for you to be put to rest.
As your body enters the furnace.

Searing fire begins it's path.
As your entity begins it's path.

There will be no rebirth of your soul.
Emptiness that clouds your depression.
Forced in to see the light, knowing Jesus wept.

Only one thing clinging to your mind.
The prayers to the feeble god whom you once believed in.

Looking at the mortals from your cauldron of pain.
Weeping as you know nothing will make this end.
But now an even greater pain engulfs you.
Reincremation did you no good, return to inflict others.

Your credulous family somehow hears your pitiful cries.
They take the urn which contains what is left of your mortal life.
It's taken back to the crematory to attempt once again.
The brutal burning of your soul, thought to cleanse.

00

I havent been posting for the last couple days because for some reason my dad didnt want me on the computer, but its fine, no big deal. The last few days have been pretty fantastic to be honest. Friday, i stayed with my BROTHER josh and we went to this guy bobbys house. Josh got wasted and i had a couple drinks but i had to drive so i kept it to a minimum. we COULDVE stayed at bobbys but whenever i stay at someone elses house i dont get much sleep and i had to wake up and go home so i could contact renata bc if you read my older blogs, you know she gets mad about that stuff which is fine. We went back to joshes and he had like a breakdown and said he wasnt gonna drink but juswt one more time saturday night with just me. He gets a lot of shit for all the stuff hes been through and only being 15. He thinks hes a shitty person and everything but hes not. I LOVE THAT KID. Hes really just my cousin but ive been through more with him thatn anyone and i call him my brother for it. Id give my fucking life for that kid. Anyways, the next day i took renata out on an actual date. The plan was, go to a park for a couple hours, go to a nice restaraunt, then go see a good ass movie like benjamin button or the wrestler. Didnt quite work out how we planned. Needless to say i still had a really great time and its nice just to be with her. So anyways, we saw that no good moives were playing except INKHEART (bleh) at like 8. so we went to the mall to wander and get food. We were walking to the foodcourt then my nigger alex and andi show up out of nowhere and we are like AAAAAH I MISS YOU BRO and we all hug and shit. Alex just got out of jail and i sincerely missed him. And we talked and im sure it was really akward for renata, THEN while we were talking my OTHER nigger john from statesville shows up and we hug and shit and talk about the band and all that shit. By this point Renata is acting kind of blah and unenthusiastic. We went downtown and found a crappy little park to sit at. Stuff was still pretty balh until the sun went down. I did my best to cheer her up and it worked :D buahaha. Then her rents called and are acting weird and saying stuff like she shouldnt vbe alone with me or whatever and she needed to come home after the movie. Idk if it was because the line for the movie was so long or if we just wanted to optimize our time together but we didnt watch it. We just layed in my car fvor two hours and she slept and i just kind if, enjoyed the moment or whatever. WEll i took her home and went to bed. Next day, went to alexes to see him and andi. We hung out for a while, it was nice, man. Then i went to my aunts to get my medication (mind your own business) and call my cousin about working with him to make some money. MAYBE even set the foundation and work full time with him after graduation which would be cool as shit. And i just got home. Not only all this good stuff but a bunch little good stuff happened too. Lets see

got my terror cd back from alex
got some 00 tapers ande a single flared gauge from alex
got the computer back
and well
thats it

still, pretty fucking awesome weekend :D:D:D

Business Management

Here i am again, posting an entry in this blog during second period, i still want a cigarette but im not hungry this time. Just ate a steak biscuit :D today is going well even though its not quite half-way over yet. Didn't do much in psychology, but i did have to rush in the shower not to be late and i feel gross D: yeah i saw Renata again yesterday even though it was just for a couple hours. Ha, we are so gay "two hours isn't enough :O " OH i saw one of my favorite movies yesterday too. Its called Half Nelson and its weird that i found it since its a really small movie, it did win the Sundance channel something something though so idk. And it was on demand so idk woo. If you see it on, watch that shit. Its about a guy who teaches middle school in like the projects and him and this little girl become friends and stuff and the main thing with the movie is that he does crack and coke and at the same time is trying to keep the little girl from getting involved with drug dealers. Its a really good movie with a powerful ending. Idk what I'm doing this weekend, i know Saturday is me and Renata and if i have money we will do something but i doubt i will since i have to buy gas and cigarettes and food. And she wants me to only smoke 2 a day buahahaha no wai. I found the best monologue of my fucking life yesterday in the Sea Wolf by Jack London. A survivor of a shipwreck is picked up by a ship that is captained by a guy called Wolf Larson. And the monologue is wolf chewing out the other guy for never working in his life and the irony of it all. Idk, if i cant find it on the Internet ill just type the whoooole thing out. So... yeah be excited for that it'll take me like 2 hours :P

Instantly Grow Manliness

Well I'm in Business Management right now. Watching old commercials for immaginary products that kids from previous years made. MANLY PILL. INSTANTLY GROW MANLINESS. Its 10:50 and I'm starving for lunch. Nothing much really going on, hanging out with Renata later today :D I actually saw her yesterday too. We watched movies and idk just yeah. Oh and i guess she thinks teasing is funny
pffft
its not :I
Things with her are still going really well, BIG SURPRISE. Oh and i have a class with my friend Becca who i almosssst lost touch with this year. I Hung out with her at McDonald's, smoked a cigarette and just caught up, it was nice. Ah, i want to smoke BAD all day I'm at school, even with my daily smoke breaks at lunch. I found a new cigarette to smoke. Camel Filters. I like the flavor of Turkish Royals but they are too smooth. So Camel Filters are a mix of Turkish and domestic blend, pretty nice but its taking more and more for me to get that chill from the nicotine. I might have to move up to reds or Newports soon. Maybe even unfiltered O: . anyways Ive been taking Lexapro for like 2 days and it doesn't kick in until after like a week or two so whatever. I still really need to find a job, doesn't really matter where I just need to have a way of income when i graduate in a couple months because i want to move out and get my life started. I'm seriously thinking about doing that volunteer program that Renata tried doing. It sounds pretty amazing and it'd be a nice chance for to actually help somebody other then myself. That and Ive been complaining about boredom with everything. Boredom with Lenoir, boredom with the people i know, boredom with the things i do, just boredom of life. I mean Renata keeps stuff interesting but i don't know. But through all this stuff I'm content with my life, that might just be the Lexapro kicking in though ;)

Fucked up

Well i fucked up,
it all started when i went to the doctors office yesterday. No big deal but when i got out i figured id stop by and see my cousin before i went home. Did a bunch of stuff with him and then he told me he needed a ride to statesville to stay with his friend. It didnt seem that bad since my mom lives in statesville and i could just stay there tomorrow. Until like 12 and then go get renata from school and hang out with her. Well, that was the PLAN. It obviously didnt work that way. Ok so i droppedmy cousin off and went to my moms. I was really low on gas by now but i knew my mom would spot me 10 or 5 dollars. Well i wokeup at 5 in the morning and saw my mom. I remembered i needed gas money and asked her about it. She didnt have any money. FUCK. but i passed out again. I was freaking out when io woke up at like 10 because i knew i had to contact renata somehow but i couldnt. 1. Her cell doesnt work 2. IM not allowed on my stepdads computer just his son which is really fucked up. and 3. i lost her house number bc im a dumbass. so yeah i was freaking out but i couldnt think of anything to do but wait until mom got home, get money from her, speed home and call renata. welllll, turns out she told my stepdad to give me money and he KNEW my situation and everything and didnt FUCKING TELL ME ABOUT THE MONEY UNTIL LIKE 3:30. So yeah i didnt get home until whenever and Renata is PISSED at me for not contacting her. So i feel like shit and i hope she gives me another chance or whatever. I want this shit to work and i just want her to feel better. At this point theres really nothing i can do but wait and just hope everything works out. Yeah great.





Ps. ok its like an hour later, everything is fine :D
renata told me to baleet this entry, but i couldnt do that to ALL MY READERS :P

The Day After

Well, pretty good day today :D just woke up,
talked to Renata
met up with Renata at food lion
hung out
watched movies
kept it real


yeah i saw What Dreams May Come with her for the first time. She forced me to watch it, i didn't want to because it sounds like one of those shitty indie-appealing flicks like the science of sleep or whatever. But, it was actually really good and i couldn't have been more wrong. BESO. anyways, it reminded me of how long its been since i was mind-fucked by Donnie Darko. TOO long. ugh I'm getting bored of the same CDs in my car. My collection isnt very good because i USED to have a WORKING zune, but nope. It glitched bad. Everything was baleeted. Cant put anymore music on it whatever. Anyways all Ive got in my car is some Hoods, The Banner, some compilation album from a Hatebreed/Terror show that i got from Alex, Spitfire, and PANTERA woooo. partay. Oh ha and i think Renata's dad didn't really like me. Until i busted out some Spanish guitar for him. he was basically like O: . LOVED that shit, i knew getting familiar with that Spanish scale would pay off ;) uhhhh things just seem to keep getting better and better with Renata. gonna end on that :D

btw, if blogger let me put a caption for that Robin Williams pic, it'd say "what do you mean, theres no cake?"

A Little Late to Start a Blog

I HAD TO REWRITE THIS WHOLE GODAMN ENTRY

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK
Okay, well its the end of my first semester as a senior at Hibriten high school. I think i passed English and discrete math but i obviously failed marketing and well community service. I don't care though, as long as i pass two classes next semester i can still graduate. Things are actually going well with Renata, which is normal. just not IN GENERAL. I mean, my relationships pretty much always explode in my face. But this one is different i think. Ahaha I'm lame. anyways, i just got kicked out of my house AGAIN, he let me back but i think this is actually my last chance to straighten up. I'm not gonna go into details :P ah my friend Alex gets out of jail in a couple days I'm pretty sure, i feel bad that i didn't get to see him but i made sure his mom would give him the message that i care about his ass and miss him and all that. I hope i can hang out with him a little bit when he gets back. Back to relationship thing because its the only interesting thing i have to talk to you kids about. I don't understand it but i get sooo jealous sometimes. I don't show it or whatever but every time she says a guy is cute or just anything, i just want to punch myself. hmmm lets see... i want to keep this thing going... i haven't been to a show in like a month, the last one i went to was at the bleeding heart tattoo and the bands were 20 eyes, cascades, ill will, Never In Life and Gates of Assyria. the bands tore it up and shit except I've never really like Gates. Its whatever. I put myself in the pit enough to have fun, almost broke my fucking nose but its all good, why even go to a show if your gonna bitch about getting hit?

and haha i think I'm gonna leave on that line...









10 bands ive been listening too most recently

Suffocation
The Locust (as usual)
Napalm Death
Shattered Realm
Anal Cunt
Force Fed Broken Glass
Neurosis
Pelican
Integrity
PANTERA